Change
by C.Watherston
Summary: Reflections on changing relationships, changing dynamics. For now, a Rayne musing, but like the themes within, the content is changing. Please Read and Review.
1. Chapter 1

"Crazy gorram Moonbrain!" he snarled, laying down thick cover fire as she slid in beside him, barely raising the dust. No expression on her face as she crouched smoothly, all lithe strength in her lean, long legs, discharged the empty round in her handgun, reloaded, and then stood above him and...

Jayne scanned over the mound of rubble they were behind and found they were suddenly alone. He looked at River, who calmly blew away the smoke from the muzzle of her gun and looked back at him with one eyebrow raised. He growled meaningfully and stood, storming back through what was left of the entrance to the black market.

He found Mal, putting a tourniquet on Zoe's arm. Her right leg was stuck out in front of her, the pants leg all ripped up and bloody. Their client stood beside them, hands shaking on a huge pistol he'd never used before today, ash streaked on his face, nose broken and bloody. Jayne paid him no attention; if a man wasn't used to a firearm, he didn't carry one with a calibre that big unless he liked his face all busted up. He felt a tickle of worry at Zoe's pale face, addressing it in the tactful, considerate way that only Jayne Cobb could.

"Well whatcha go gettin' yourself shot for?"

Zoe said nothing, but gave him her usual dry glare. Mal threw him a sack that jangled heavily, which he caught with one hand and grunted. River swept in beside him, humming something he recognised, a nameless tune he liked strumming on his old steel-string. He looked at her sharply and she gave him a one-sided grin. His lips started to jerk in response, so he turned away and helped Zoe.

"Tross, go start the mule" ordered Mal.

"Yes Captain Daddy" she purred and twirled away.

"She always picks the best times to go all fuzzy an' crazy" muttered Jayne. Mal silently agreed as they hauled Zoe onto her feet. Without hesitation, Jayne wrapped his arm around her cat-like waist. Zoe slung her own arm around his shoulders and he helped her outside.

The smoking ruins of an Alliance patrol were strewn around them as River pulled up, sliding the mule across the air above the dusty ground and keeping it at an expert hover as Jayne threw her the heavy bag of payment and yelled at Mal to hurry up and help him get Zoe inside.

"They come across the desert in a blazing path of bloody sand" said River in a monotone. Jayne swore. Her wide, blank eyes already told him she was gunna crack in a minute, slide across the thinning line between girl, weapon and incompetent. Her words, darkly foreshadowing, made him look up and scan the horizon. Sure enough, there was a dust devil betraying an incoming ship.

"That ain't _Serenity_" he yelled.

She turned wide eyes to him.

"Message was received and understood. They want the weapon for what she is worth if they can fix the broken parts" she stage whispered. Jayne swore again.

"MAAALLL! We got company!" he roared.

A second later, Mal ducked out of the destroyed entrance and immediately saw the dust devil on the flat line in the distance.

"_Jen dao mei_!" he said, sprinting to Jayne's side, leaping onto the side of the mule, reaching down to drag Zoe up.

"Just _your _gorram luck, Mal" Jayne complained, following Zoe over the side with one hand, swinging Vera into ready position even as he did. With Zoe settling, eyes closed, in the back next to Mal, Jayne slung himself in next to River and cocked Vera. A split second later, River took off.

"You get 'hold a 'Nara?" he yelled to her over the roaring wind. She nodded.

"Nestlings collected under the big birds wings as she prepares for flight" she called.

"What the _shee-niou_ did she just say?"

Jayne turned his head against the wind to Mal.

"Kids are orright an' 'Nara's gettin' _Serenity _prepped for flight" Jayne translated his Crazy's _fong luh _talk easily as breathing. They rounded a spur of ragged earth and _Serenity _came into view, her engines beginning to growl loudly. Standing at the open gangplank was a small, lanky figure, waving its arms in a 'hurry the hell up' message.

Without slowing until the edge of the gangplank, River brought the mule home, sending Shuai-Dan Tam scrambling for cover.

"_Ye Soo_ 'Tross! You tryna get us all killed?" Mal snapped, standing up and beckoning Simon from the catwalk above them. _Serenity _jerked a bit as she took off; Inara wasn't as good a pilot as Wash Senior, or River for that matter. Said co-pilot looked at her captain coolly.

"Trajectory, velocity and momentum were taken into account, as well as reliability and reaction time of brakes" she said. Mal either didn't hear her, or paid her no never mind, too busy helping Zoe get out of the mule. She was complaining that she was fine to do it herself, and there was no way Jayne was gunna go over there and treat her like an invalid; the warrior women would tear him into little bitty bite-sized pieces. Instead, Jayne leaned over and gave River a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Ah like hell Crazy. You alright?"

She blinked heavily and a bit of sanity came back into her eyes. She reached up and put a soft, moist kiss on the pulse in his neck, her arms around his neck.

"Calculated trajectories of projectiles came too close to her Jayne" she said softly. The big merc gave her a quick grin, but a reassuring one.

"Crazy, thats kinda ma job. Don't you go gettin' yourself in no kinda state about it, _dong ma_?"

She grinned slyly.

"Do not allow herself to get lost in the swirling oblivion of crazy?"

He snorted.

"Yeah, sommat like that. Now c'mon an' reassure that gorram brother of yours that yore in one piece"

Later that night, they sat around the table, another job over and done with, enjoying the company of their crew and family; all alive and well. Things had changed a helluva lot since Jayne Cobb had come aboard this ship because of the promise of a bigger cut and his own bunk. Somewhere along the twisting and sometimes painful path, he'd gone and found himself a crew. Then, all of a sudden, that crew had turned into family.

The realisation struck him as he glared at River for stealing his bread. She always did, and he had two pieces on his plate anyway, but he glared at her anyway. The effect was softened a bit because he put his hand on her thigh and she leaned her little head on his shoulder for a moment.

This was his family. When the hell had that happened? When had he started to trust these people? When had he started to have the kinda blind faith in 'em that he sneered at in others? When had he come to the conclusion that these lives, laughing and grinning in the yellow light of the mess, been worth his own life? He'd take a bullet for any one of them, even the prissy gorram doc.

"Uncle Jayne, can you please pass the salt?" asked Tai-Ao. The big merc didn't hear him; he was staring into space with a concentrating frown.

"Uncle Jayne?" he repeated. Everyone slowly realised that the big man was faraway and the lively conversation drew quiet.

"Jayne" said Mal loudly, cutting into his thoughts. He shook himself like he was awakening from a dream and realised everyone was looking at him.

"Whatch y'all lookin' at?" he grumbled.

"Can I have the salt?" said Tai-Ao, watching him carefully with his father's blue eyes.

"Whatdya say?" he admonished unthinkingly, passing the boy the salt shaker. Tai took it.

"I said it the first time, but you wasn't listening"

"_Weren't_ listening, Tai-Ao" corrected Simon, also unthinking, studying Jayne as he spoke. Jayne glared back at him.

"What?" he challenged the doc.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say you were thinking about something Jayne" he said, biting into a spoon of protein. Jayne had his hackles up at the doc, something that didn't happen as much as it used to anymore.

"I think jus' fine 'nough. Maybe not in big, prissy words like you"-

River put her hand over his, calming him like cold water.

"Jayne is being defensive because he has realised that his crew had become his family" she said, looking only at Jayne.

That gave everyone pause. The adults looked around the table, and the children looked nonplussed.

"Course it's your family, uncle Jayne. You're our uncle"- Independence Reynold's paused and looked around the table with wide blue eyes.

"-Aren't you?"

Everyone stiffened, wondering what Jayne's reaction would be. It was unsteady ground. He was a mercenary; he'd never gotten attached. He always joked he'd take another job if the money was good, but sometimes...the others wondered whether one day it wouldn't be a joke. The thought hadn't crossed their minds for some time, however. After all, the kids were a part of _Serenity _now. Shaui-Dan Tam had the huge merc wrapped around her little finger from the day she was born. Washburn Alleyne learned to shoot with Tracy, Jayne's .45 handgun. Shaui-Dan's twin Tai-Ao butted heads with him sometimes. Book Reynold's would sit and read while Jayne lifted weights, and his little brother Inde used to squeal when his mercenary adoptive uncle bench-pressed the kid with flawless ease.

Jayne smiled and ruffled the little boy's hair.

"Course I am, Inde. Why'd I put up with ye otherwise?"

Agitatedly, Inde pushed his arm off and tried to smooth his longish blonde hair.

"Hey! Gerroff!" he grouched.

Everyone laughed, and just like that the mood lifted.

Jayne laughed too, returning to his food even as his mind wandered like it had never done before Crazy came along. He watched her out of the corner of her eye as she discussed a few kinks in the system with Inara and Mal. Kaylee was busy arguing with Tai-Ao about eating, so only put in minor points.

She'd come crashing into his life like a thin, naked sledgehammer. She was a payday back then, a walking cheque, as well as magnet for Alliance trouble. He didn't want trouble; he wanted cash to send back to his Ma and Matty. He wanted a tussle and a good whore and the chance to shoot some _hwoon dan _every once in a while. He didn't want a bullet in the brainpan on the deck of some Alliance cruiser. He figured back then that he could fix things with a single movement; hit the mother-lode and give this little crazy girl the flick.

Then Ariel changed things. Hell, how could he keep wanted her dead and gone when he'd seen with his own eyes what they'd done to her? They'd been cutting up on her brain, making her less a human. She'd looked at him from the doorway, all willowy and small with those blank brown eyes and told him she could kill him, and by Christ he'd believed her. She was a threat then; a pretty little threat cocooned inside this flimsy package of too-big dresses and bare feet.

Miranda. Seeing her at the Maidenhead was probably the hottest thing he'd ever seen in his whole gorram life, but it wasn't a thought he revisited until much later. Something about her flicked a switch in him. He wanted to protect her; he didn't want her to ever feel pain again. Then afterwards, after everything; after seeing what she'd had hidden inside her fragile, tortured brain, after seeing her throw herself beyond those blast doors into Hell...then come out the other side...she started to be more sane. Just a little bit at a time.

He remembered the exact moment, down to the second, that she'd stopped being a threat and become his crew, his partner. She'd come on a job; they were protecting a convoy for a man who said he'd give them two boxes of the cargo if they'd do it. Mal had a buyer for the two boxes of stolen goods, already lined up.

River being on a job with them wasn't unusual anymore. She was a valuable asset, even Simon noted it. There was something to be said for having a Reader on your side. Especially one that just happened to lethal as all hell with a gun, a knife, or the unsheathed weapons of her hands and feet. It was an outer Core planet, stuck between the Rim and civilisation. It was at least a five man job, so they'd brought Simon, against everyone's better judgement, and stuck him on the side of the cart, hoping that he would shoot the right people and not get shot himself. They were getting along alright, watching the dry and dusty valley around them. Jayne was sitting up on the hard-top roof with Kathy, his sniper rifle, bouncing along and grumbling just enough to annoy Mal, who was on a horse beside them. Their client was driving the team of lumbering bullocks and sweating like a pig.

River had sat on the tail of the cart, side-saddle on a dainty roan mare, humming something with her eyes half closed. She had been wearing a little purple dress that swirling a long way above her knees, so Simon had banned it unless she was wearing pants. Those tight breeches of hers with her big combat boots made her look like a brightly coloured stick insect wearing booties, Jayne remembered noting that. She had caught him looking at her and held his gaze wordlessly. He'd snorted and had gone back to his watch.

Then suddenly, her eyes had widened. She'd swung her head behind them.

"There are others, coming like Noah's flood!" she cried out.

"What the hell, Crazy?" snapped Jayne, hand going up to block the sun and look behind them.

"JAYNE DOWN!"

There was many a time to come when he wondered why he'd instinctively done as she said. Then there was many a time he was gorram thankful he had. As he caught himself, one handed on the edge of the cart, a slug lodged itself in the roof...where a moment ago he'd been sitting.

Swearing he dropped to the ground, hitting it running, and heard Mal and Simon start shooting around the other side. He looked at Crazy as the cart kept rolling on. She'd caught his eye and pointed.

"Just below the bush, to the right" she said, and spun her horse on its hind legs to face the way they'd come.

"There are more approaching from behind-"she was telling Mal.

Jayne had quit listening. He dropped to one knee, sighted and found the sniper a second later. Girl was a good spotter. He'd fired as Mal swore. The sniper slumped in his scopes and Jayne had stood, pleased.

He didn't know how it happened, but a split second later, he was in the dirt with a surprisingly female body pressing down on him. Bullets were coming from every which way and everyone was trying to take cover and return fire. Without speaking, they'd belly crawled together to an outcrop up the side.

"Stay down. There are five in bushes, five on craft at six o'clock and four walking across from left, heading for the cargo. Zoe is still beside the perspiring man" she'd informed him calmly.

"Zoe all preggers won't be able to move all that fast" he'd commented, sliding his back against the rock and settling the rifle down. Then he'd taken Tracy and her twin Casey from their holsters. She had agreed silently.

"Take the five in the bushes, she will take the four who would extinguish the little light-" she glanced at Zoe's just showing bump

"-Captain Daddy is shooting the craft. We will save him next..." she said, glancing at him to confirm. Understanding wordlessly passed between them.

"...three seconds..._y__i...er...san_!"

The two of them leapt up, guns blazing, and dropped down again.

"Ya git 'em?" he asked as fire began to concentrate on them, ricocheting off the rocks in sharp, stinging pings. She gave him her _boob _look. He relented on his glare, realising it had probably been a dumbass question.

"Orright-"he swung his head out and checked on Zoe. She was standing at least, while the fellah cowered, looking for them with her shotgun by her side. Unhurt, by the looks of things. There was a splatter of shots from Simon's side, and he spotted the doc crouched beside the cart, shooting. Suddenly he registered the pinging of bullets on metal, and had realised what the doc was shooting at; Mal was pinned down by the men in the craft, a lot like their old mule, cussing like a sailor.

"He is such a boob" he heard Crazy mutter, eyeing Mal's position, and grinned despite himself. He remembered her face turning to him, then her eyes going blank, and suddenly she shoved him again. He felt the breath rush out of her as a bullet slammed into her back and swore, rolling to put his body over hers.

"_Go se! _River!"

She shook him off and crouched.

"She is wearing reinforced vest" she snapped. Jayne looked confused, so she tapped her chest. There was a thick thudding sound and his face brightened.

"Where'd ya git Kevlar from?"

She didn't answer. Her eyes were narrowed up the hill where the shot had come from. Jayne twisted and set about helping Simon; not that he'd been much good from up there. River's voice had been overly polite and patient; "Does she have permission to fire your rifle Kathy?"

He'd looked over his shoulder and flinched when richochet pounded the side of his face. Gritting his teeth, he glanced over the outcropping.

The bullet scraped the top of his head, leaving a line of white-hot heat. Jayne dropped, heart pounded and swore violently in two languages.

"Nail that _hun dan_!" he ordered.

Obediently, she picked up Kathy and chambered a round. With some wriggling, she crept to the very edge of the spur, settled the rifle against her shoulder, sighted and fired. There was a cry from above them and Jayne checked the shot quickly, decided if he'd taken it, the shot would have been exactly the same.

"You ain't all useless, Crazy"

She slid in next to him and glanced over his bit of rock at their attackers. He expected her to say something smart about the statistics of their impending doom. Instead she took a deep breath, closed her eyes and opened them suddenly. Jayne didn't like the look in her brown eyes; it was too vacant, too blank...

He registered he was no longer holding Casey as she stood up fluidly.

"Crazy!"

The handgun shouted several times and then clicked home empty. Jayne quickly stood as she began to sway, grabbing her and ducking back down, expecting more bullets. He was wrong, but once the fact registered, he focused on the shuddering girl in his arms.

"Lights, bright, bright lights all flicker and burn and die and flick out. Bone and flesh do not stand a chance against projectile-"

He shook her.

"Crazy! C'mon back, yer not gunna loose it all here, right?"

She'd shuddered once more, and then some of the darkness faded from her face. It always kinda scared Jayne that he could bring her back from that edge. This was before he'd started going down into her new crew quarters to talk her out of them night terrors she always had. Back then, he'd hear her yelling and go down to investigate, riled up. Sometimes he'd hold her down when she looked like she was gunna hurt herself. She nearly always cried, and he'd been uncomfortable at first. It had gotten easier though, slowly.

Simon was beside them then, worried frown creasing his handsome face. He checked her pulse and made her followed his fingers.

"She's alright. We should get her back to ship" he said. Jayne nodded.

"C'mon, Crazy" he said, grabbed the hand she offered to him and hauling her to her feet. She stood still, letting her balance readjust, and then nodded. When she went to walk forward, Jayne was still holding her arm. She glared at him.

"She is crazy, not an invalid" she snapped.

"Yeah, well then don't go gettin' all stupid on me an' I won't treat ya like one, will I?"

She glared, her hands on her hips.

"He treats her like a crazy even when the voices are not dancing like drums in her head" she snapped.

Jayne snorted.

"Here I was thinking you was gettin' saner and you go revertin' back to crazy-talk" he muttered, giving her a not-so-gentle push towards the cart. Their client had watched while Jayne gave River a boost onto the horse and tied the reins to the back of the cart, deaf to her complaints. Mal was driving the skittish team now, while Zoe rode his horse. Their client was shaking and pale and shone with a cold sheen of sweat. The first time he'd ever seen anyone get shot, the poor, sheltered fool.

Jayne took his place up on the roof and caught his rifle when Mal tossed it to him, trying his very best not to smirk at the sweater's flinch. They moved on, double-time, a nervous energy stirring their heated blood. Finally, as the sun began to dip into the horizon, they reached the township, if you could call it that. It was a dried up, cracking little place with thatched rooves and mud brick walls. Jayne wrinkled his nose. It smelled too.

"You sure ya can get a buyer hereabouts?" asked Mal, drawing the tired bullocks to a stop. The sweater nodded and pointed to a man standing outside a house with a white door.

"He's a smuggler friend of mine. He'll see the goods to-"

"Aaannnndd that's more than 'nough information, thanking you kindly" Mal cut him off, jumping down.

Jayne was already off the back of the cart, helping River down. She opened her mouth to complain, and then sighed and gave up. Simon nodded his approval. They stood while Mal and Zoe went inside to WAVE _Serenity _and tell Inara to land the Firefly on the flat between the valley and the town.

"Have you been partners for long, you and the young lady?" asked the sweater suddenly, from behind Jayne. The big mercenary turned and looked at him.

"Wha- me'n tha Crazy? Partn'rs?" he asked, jerking his thumb at River, who gave him an answering glare. The client nodded.

"You are, aren't you? I mean, the way you two fought back there, I'd have thought you'd been doing it for years"

Jayne glanced back at River in surprise. They were partners, he supposed, of the non-romantic sort of course. He watched her back, she watched his, that kinda thing. She looked back at him, cocked one eyebrow and waited for him to answer. She was sitting on the open tray of the cart, swinging her feet in the air. Jayne scratched the back of his head.

"Aw, hell. I reckon she's been around for a few months or so now I guess. Known 'er for longer'n that though" Jayne answered finally.

"I've never seen a pair quite as well matched as you. You fight like you could read each other's minds"

It was an innocent comment. The nervous smuggler had no idea how true his words were. Jayne had given River a smirk, wondering if she had picked up on it too. She'd winked at him in reply; a little piece of body language she'd picked up from Mal.

"The ability to communicate non-verbally is an attribute of a strong team" agreed River, thoughtfully. Her eyes unfocused for a moment and she turned her head across the plain and smiled.

"Home is flying" she said.

Jayne followed her gaze and saw _Serenity_'s lights, blazing across the plateau. He turned away and went and found their two boxes of parts, hefting one with a grunt and leaving the other one there for Mal and Simon. Striding up next to River, they walked up _Serenity_'s gangplank together.


	2. Chapter 2

River meandered along, tracing the scars on _Serenity_'s walls. There had once been so much pain within this metal womb. When she had first arrived aboard this ship, the pain had scared her, overwhelmed her because it was mixed with so many other things she didn't recognise. Or emotions that she did, but hadn't felt for so long they had faded into a misty shadow.

Like passion. Passion was a new one. The first time she had felt Wash and Zoe's burning passion, booming through the walls, she had screamed. She didn't know what to do with it; it overflowed and flooded, sweeping her away. Simon hadn't understood. Simon had just held her, whispering comforting brotherly words that didn't mean anything. Slowly, it had faded till it was hot embers and she'd entered her own senses again. At least, she entered what senses weren't overwhelmed with Miranda's secret...

The next time she'd felt it, she had managed to hold on, not get swept away. It filled her, but it didn't flood. She had time to examine it, to discover it brilliant red glow, getting brighter and brighter till it exploded. She knew about the little life, the little glow, before the thought had even occurred to Zoe.

Grief wasn't a new emotion. She knew grief, _Serenity _knew grief. Before Zoe had fallen into its black arms, the captain had been a cracking dam of it. He struggled, hiding it all behind a concrete facade. It was a good mask; nobody else saw through it. Not until Inara. So his pounding grief was tempered with something new when River came. She was glad. She wondered if she would have been able to take it on top of Miranda's toxic secret. When Mal was grieving for Wash and Book, his sorrow only added to _Serenity_'s. He may have lost a pilot and a preacher, but Wash and Book were _Serenity_'s own. Their family and her crew.

Blinding optimism had bounded into River senses, a shadowy feeling she only half recalled from a distant memory. It was pure, brilliant yellow and it rebounded around Kaylee like a halo. It should have balanced out all the bad, all the darkness, but it didn't. Sometimes, it only made it worse. Like a creature kept in the dark, River had become accustomed to it. Suddenly thrust into such dazzling joy hurt. She burned her like the sun. River avoided Kaylee at first, only taking little bits at a time from faraway; building up a resistance.

Even anger had been exploding in sudden balls of white-hot orange, before Miranda. Jayne was angry at the world. Mal was angry at his God. Inara, angry at Mal for cracking her icy masquerade. Simon, raging quietly at the Alliance for taking his little sister from him, taking her where he couldn't get her back whole. Even Book, the gentle Sheppard, was angry; angry at the nameless, faceless faction who didn't exist.

There had been secrets aboard _Serenity, _stirred like sand in this murky water of a thousand emotions. Every feeling she Read shot through her, leaving little pieces behind, until all she was, was the grief, the rage, the passion, the joy. All the fears, all the loving and the love, all the hate, became a part of her.

Facing Miranda had been a kind of surgery. It had hurt, but ultimately it saved her life. It had been a festering wound in her mind, something had to be done. They cut off the rotten flesh with a hot knife, and then set about sewing her back up again. After the dust cleared, it was only a matter of drawing out the poison that remained. Which hadn't been easy, but it had been worth it.

She found Jayne sitting in the galley with the brood, playing cards. There was a pile of scrawled on paper in the middle of the floor. Shaui-Dan and Tai-Ao were sitting together; River's niece and nephew. There was young Washburn Alleyne, flipping a switch blade back and forth between his fingers, half his concentrating on his hand. Independence and Book Reynolds, also sitting together, Book watching over his little brother's shoulder as Independence played. They were playing cards. There was a pile of paper in the middle of the floor and River frowned.

"You're corrupting them again" she said softly. Jayne looked up, started, then grinned.

"Aw, c'mon Crazy. Ain't play for keeps or nothin'"

They all looking up, pleading with her not to tell Mal, who would throw an absolute tantrum at all of them. It would hurt her head. So instead, River smiled and put a finger to her lips. They all grinned in reply, and Inde giggled.

Secrets. There were some that were the good sort.

Stepping carefully around the bets, River settled herself between Jayne's spread legs to watch the game. Her eyes were closing sleepily, lulled by their voices and the occasional hand that Jayne ran through her hair, absent-mindedly.


End file.
